


Even When I Lose My Head

by godamnarmsrace



Series: Haley's Head Canons aka @aarondingel Knows Best [4]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aaron has nightmares, Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Smut, Song fic, canon adjacent, post prison storyline, smuffy sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 22:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10626351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godamnarmsrace/pseuds/godamnarmsrace
Summary: Sleep on me, feel the rhythm in my chest, just breatheI will stay so the lantern in your heart won't fadeThe secrets you tell me I'll take to my graveThere's bones in my closet, but you hang stuff anywayAnd if you have nightmares, we'll dance on the bedI know that you love me, love meEven when I lose my headGuillotine, guillotineEven when I lose my headGuillotine, guillotineEven when I lose my head





	

**Author's Note:**

> I am ignoring the shit storm Emmerdale is trying to feed us at the moment.
> 
> @aarondingel has the best head canons and here is just one of them: Before they go to sleep Robert needs to show Aaron his scar of the gunshot wound and Aaron lays his head on Robert’s chest to hear his heart beating
> 
> Lyrics in Italics – Guillotine by Jon Bellion
> 
> Thanks Haley and Matty for the quick looksee - all mistakes are mine.

 

For the first time in weeks Robert actually slept well, having Aaron home and with him made all the difference but Robert wasn’t at all surprised when he was woken in the middle of the night by his husband thrashing about in the middle of their bed.

Unsure about what to do Robert sat up in bed and switched on the light next to him. ”Aaron,” Robert called out not wanting to touch him when he was feeling vulnerable. He didn’t want to cause his husband any more pain “Aaron,” he called again when Aaron didn’t stir.

Aaron let out a whimper and it broke Robert’s, heart. He didn’t know if these were old nightmares or new ones, but demons were haunting his husband and Robert hated that he couldn’t do a damn thing to stop them.

Robert knew that Aaron had been through hell on the inside. They had both been through the wringer but Aaron was home and Robert just wanted to mend everything that was broken inside them both even though he had no clue where to start.

Against his better judgement, Robert placed a gentle hand on his husband’s face and brought his lips to Aaron’s forehead, kissing him, Robert whispered, “I love you, you’re safe here with me now, I promise. Aaron, wake up please!”

“Robert,” Aaron grabbed a hold of Robert’s wrist tightly, coming awake slowly. “I’m sorry,” he apologised loosening his grip on Robert’s arm and stroking his fingers softly over the red marks he’d left behind.

“Don’t ever apologise for needing me. I love you, Mr Sugden,” Robert said pressing another kiss to Aaron’s head.

“I love you too Mr Dingle. I just hate that I woke you because you look like you need all the sleep you can get,” said Aaron turning into Robert’s touch and pressing a kiss to the centre of his palm.

“I’ve slept better in the last few hours with you in our bed beside me than I have in over a month without you. So, don’t concern yourself with it. All I need to be at peace is you here with me, safe and sound,” Robert replied.

_Sleep on me, feel the rhythm in my chest, just breathe_

Robert lay down on his back and tugged on Aaron arranging him so that he laid his head on Robert’s chest. Aaron pressed a kiss to the bullet scar that almost took Robert from him before settling his ear over Robert’s heart and the sound of his heartbeat soothing Aaron in a way he didn’t realise he needed.

Robert was here. He was alive. They were alive. Here together.

“I can’t believe you stuck around after all I’ve put you through. I don’t deserve you, Robert,” Aaron’s words were like little daggers in Robert’s heart because it pained him so much that Aaron had no idea how fucking amazing he was to Robert.

If anyone wasn’t worthy…

“Trust me, we deserve each other. No one else would do. I could never leave you, Aaron, you’re my whole damn life, without you everything else seems to cease to exist and the day’s pale into nothingness. I never want to feel like that again. Fair warning, you’re never getting rid of me ever,” Robert whispered his voice gruff with emotion against the top of Aaron’s head.

_I will stay so the lantern in your heart won't fade_

“You know I’m here if you want to talk about it. You can tell me anything, Aaron. I promise not to judge or get mad,” Robert offered stroking his hands up and down Aaron’s naked back over the warm silky skin. It had a grounding effect on Robert the panic from earlier slowly receding from his gut. “There is nothing you can say that will ever turn me away from you.”

_The secrets you tell me I'll take to my grave  
There's bones in my closet, but you hang stuff anyway_

Aaron’s silence didn’t last long a sob escaped him and Robert held onto him tight, as the shudders that wracked Aaron’s body threatened to tear them both apart. “Is it Gordon or Jason?”

Aaron shook his head against Robert’s chest, “Yes and no,” he said. “It’s stupid. I’m home now, with you. I know I’m safe I know Gordon’s dead, that he can’t hurt me but he’s still inside Robert and sometimes I feel like I need to cut him out of me before he poisons everything good that’s left of me.”

“It’s not stupid to be scared, Aaron. I’m scared all the time. I’m terrified I’m going to hurt you or let you down. Hell, I’m scared shitless that you will wake up one day and realise I don’t deserve you, that you can do better, that I’m not worth your time, let alone your love. But Aaron please promise me when it gets to be too much that you’ll talk to me. And believe me when I say that there is nothing of him inside you. Don’t give him that kind of power and Aaron you’re all good. All your parts, every cell, every thought, every deed. You are the best person I know, even if you are a Dingle,” Robert hoped he wasn’t saying the wrong thing. He wanted Aaron to come to him, to talk to him.

Aaron’s sobs were broken by a small burst of laughter, there and then gone. “I’m sorry Robert. I just don’t know how not to feel this way and when I was inside I tried to be strong Robert I did but I was so scared. I already tried to kill myself once, what if that weakness in me is because of him? How do I get away from that?”

Robert was terrified to hear Aaron talk about hurting himself but this was good, that Aaron felt safe here with him to share how he felt was a good thing. He just had to try and remember that. “Did you want to hurt yourself this time when you were inside?”

Aaron sucked in a deep breath before answering, “No. I just wanted to come home. I knew you were here waiting for me, looking after Liv and I just wanted to be home. I held onto you. I might have been a bit of a smart ass when taunting him about how good sex with you is.”

Robert smiled without meaning to, “I bet. You have a mouth on you. It’s always been one of my favourite things about you.” Robert brought one of his hands to Aaron’s head, he used it to tilt Aaron’s face towards his so they could meet eyes. “You’re stronger than you know you are Aaron. I’m in awe of you every day. Maybe, talking to someone about some of the new stuff that is sticking with you might be a good idea?” Robert didn’t want to force the issue. Hell, he could probably use some counselling too.

“Liv said I should dance on the bed after a nightmare apparently, it helps, but the counselling thing might be a good idea…will you come with me?” Aaron asked looking unsure of himself.

“Like couples counselling?” Robert asked confused.

“No, like we both get a little help but we do it together,” Aaron answered sounding hopeful.

“Can we dance on the bed instead?” Robert joked. “I wouldn’t even know where to start Aaron but if that is what you need from me you know I’ll be there.”

“I think Jack would be a good place to start, don’t you?” Aaron said rolling so that he was laying on his stomach on top of Robert.

“Aaron, that was nothing. I…you can’t compare that with everything you’ve been through,” Robert argued shifting so that Aaron was covering him almost completely. The weight of Aaron’s body making him feel safe and protected.

Aaron cupped Robert’s face in his hands so he couldn’t look away and said, “Compare, no, but he hurt you as sure Gordon hurt me. He broke your trust and abused your body, he just used his fists. Your pain is real Robert. Your internal scars are valid as my external ones are.”

 _And if you have nightmares, we'll dance on the bed_  
I know that you love me, love me  
Even when I lose my head  
Guillotine, guillotine

Robert knew he should say something but words failed him. That Aaron thought any of that even mattered floored him. Robert had never told another soul about what had happened with Jack because he honestly didn’t think anyone would believe him or care. But Aaron did. There was so much love inside Robert he didn’t even know what to do with it. He wanted to give it all to Aaron it was almost all his anyway but he didn’t know how.

Before Aaron, Robert didn’t think anyone would ever be able to love him, the real him. All of him but Aaron did. Robert felt like he should pray to some deity somewhere that he’d found Aaron, and that Aaron had loved him back. Did love him. “I love you,” he whispered bringing their lips together in a kiss.

_Kiss my lips, feel the rhythm of your heart and hips  
I will pray so the castle that we've built won't cave_

“I need you,” Robert whispered against Aaron’s mouth.

“I fucking love you, Robert Sugden. There’s only you for me,” Aaron said in between licks against Robert’s lips. ‘I need you inside me, now, please Robert please.”

“God,” Robert muttered using his fingers to test how ready Aaron actually was, his hole still loose and fluttering around his fingers from their earlier lovemaking. One finger, two then three slid in with little to no resistance.

Aaron let out a moan and hitched himself up Robert’s body a little, one knee bent and hooked up to give him the leverage he needed to thrust himself back towards where Robert’s hard cock rested twitching and leaking against his own belly.

“Wait! Just wait a second. Shit!” Robert grabbed the slick from under his pillow where he’d shoved it after the last time and poured some on his hand. Reaching between their bodies, he used it to slick himself even as Aaron pushed his hand away so he could get at Robert’s cock.

Robert swallowed his throat suddenly dry as Aaron thrust himself down onto Robert’s cock his eyes full of so much love and desire, that Robert had to force himself not to look away. The urge to run and hide still strong but he wanted Aaron to have all of him. He met Aaron’s gaze and clutched at his hips as Aaron began to thrust against him. The slow drag of Aaron’s heavy cock against his stomach made his own harden further still where it was nestled inside his husband.

 _You fill me up, you fill me up_  
You set my soul ablaze  
You fill me up, you fill me up  
Your love is so amazing  
You fill me up, you fill me up  
You set my soul ablaze  
You fill me up even when I lose my head

Robert was almost asleep again when Aaron kissed him on his neck. “Oh, Robert…” Aaron whispered into the darkness.

“Yeah?” Robert asked, wrapping his arms tighter around his husband.

“Happy Anniversary!” Aaron exclaimed before settling down again to sleep and Robert laid there in the dark and thought about all their other anniversaries and all the ones they would have to come. Glad that this was one that Aaron wanted to acknowledge because much like the day Robert met Aaron when he really started living, this day a year ago was when Robert started breathing again.

 _You fill me up, you fill me up_  
You set my soul ablaze  
You fill me up, you fill me up  
Your love is so amazing  
You fill me up, you fill me up  
You set my soul ablaze  
You fill me up even when I lose my head


End file.
